Your Funniest Memory...

[jdoleac]

I wanted to create a thread here for anyone that has served or is currently serving or just entering the pipeline (not limited to SOF, though those tales are certainly welcome) to tell about your funniest memory from any point in your service. If you think this thread is dumb, that's fine, you don't have to respond. I just think about some of the training I've gone through and find that some of the worst days seem to be the funniest and most fond memories.

So, if you care to, please share.

[oldswabbie]

He he... You asked...

You see, It was 1977, Keflavik Iceland. My roomate and I had "escorted" some local Icelandic (underage) gals to our barracks and were showing them the back stairways when "Mr. BOO" the Master At Arms just Happen to be coming up. Of Course we got written up. Captains Mast a week or so later... Captain Spaulding ... Had to dismiss the charges because Mr. BOO didnt ACTUALLY see them coming out of our room.... SPEED Forward 2 years to Sigonella Sicily. I am Communications Center Supervisor for ASCOMM. The Big guy - "ADMIRAL" SPAULDING is coming for Inspection... UH OH... GOD I HOPE HE DONT REMEMBER ME.

I give him the .25c tour of the Communications center, he has Navy Captains, CDR's, LCDR's in tow behind him. My poor Division LT is shaking like a leaf he is so nervous. Just before he leaves he stops, turns and says... Petty Officer *****, I know you dont I? .... I Said.."Uh, Yes Sir you Do". He laughed like heck and said, "I HAVE TO KNOW! Did you or didnt you?" I said, "will I get in trouble sir?", he said "absolutely not!", ... "YES SIR WE DID" was my reply. "If the Admiral remembers I never stated they were not in the room". He shook his head and walked out. My Division LT jumped my like there was no tomorrow. I turned around and jumped back on him and said "SIR! HE ASKED ME THE QUESTIONS!" My LT turned around walked back to his office slammed the door and I got the heck out of his sight for a few days. :)

Karma... boy it comes back to getcha doesnt it? LOL

[oldswabbie]

FLEET NIGHT 1977 - TOP OF THE ROCK EM CLUB (Iceland)

Poor OldSwabbie was making extra money by being a pizza cook 3 or 4 nights a week at the EM club. The pay wasnt bad and I would also take the extra chow (pizza) back to the barracks when i was off work...the guys REALLY liked that!

I became real good friends with the Marines up there in Keflavik (if you read my blog). One very good friend was BIG JOHN ~ a REAL DEAL RECON MARINE. One BIG SOB, I stand 6:0 and I had to look up at him. The guy had friggin Hams for hands, he was just a big guy. He was a Vietnam Marine, Ssgt who also worked at the club as a bouncer. NOBODY but NOBODY messed with Big John. Well...the Fleet came in and the club was full one night. Only ONE BOUNCER on duty..... BIG JOHN.

I get a order for a pizza out at a table. I cook the pizza and i'm walking it out there and next thing you know I'm in the middle of World War III ... I'm getting sucker punched to He**..... But the Pizza is STILL IN MY HAND!!!

I swear i'm like a bobble head getting popped from the left and right...bam bam... next thing I know my Butt is up in air... Big John has me by the belt loop and is walking back with me... Forget the pizza its on the floor somewhere. He is flat knocking guys out with one punch WHAM WHAM WHAM ....as he throws my skinny butt over the bar and into the back of the railing. I think that hurt more than getting sucker punched.

By the time the doors burst open and Shore Patrol flooded in... hardly anyone was moving, mostly groaning or holding something. Big John by himself had Whupped the living snot out of about everybody there.

Well, it was funny until I started getting hit :D

I will tell you.... After knowing John as well as I did.... Recon Marines are some Real Bad A** Dudes...

[mike09]

He he... You asked...

You see, It was 1977, Keflavik Iceland. My roomate and I had "escorted" some local Icelandic (underage) gals to our barracks and were showing them the back stairways when "Mr. BOO" the Master At Arms just Happen to be coming up. Of Course we got written up. Captains Mast a week or so later... Captain Spaulding ... Had to dismiss the charges because Mr. BOO didnt ACTUALLY see them coming out of our room.... SPEED Forward 2 years to Sigonella Sicily. I am Communications Center Supervisor for ASCOMM. The Big guy - "ADMIRAL" SPAULDING is coming for Inspection... UH OH... GOD I HOPE HE DONT REMEMBER ME.

I give him the .25c tour of the Communications center, he has Navy Captains, CDR's, LCDR's in tow behind him. My poor Division LT is shaking like a leaf he is so nervous. Just before he leaves he stops, turns and says... Petty Officer *****, I know you dont I? .... I Said.."Uh, Yes Sir you Do". He laughed like heck and said, "I HAVE TO KNOW! Did you or didnt you?" I said, "will I get in trouble sir?", he said "absolutely not!", ... "YES SIR WE DID" was my reply. "If the Admiral remembers I never stated they were not in the room". He shook his head and walked out. My Division LT jumped my like there was no tomorrow. I turned around and jumped back on him and said "SIR! HE ASKED ME THE QUESTIONS!" My LT turned around walked back to his office slammed the door and I got the heck out of his sight for a few days. :)

Karma... boy it comes back to getcha doesnt it? LOL

Hahaha lol that is a GREAT story! hahaha

[oldswabbie]

Yea, you couldnt wipe the S*** eatin grin off my face with a belt sander :D

[oldswabbie]

Then, there's the day I got locked up in Tijuana jail.... thats a story for another day... ill let a few other Sailors throw some in. Come On BigV123, Mr.Parker, Bud/s 184,. I know there are tales of Subic, Olongapo, Hong Kong, Crete, Naples (the wall - God help us the wall), Rota....

I KNOW bud/s 184 has GOT some doozies... he has to have some doozies :D

[bigv123]

Sorry....the "funny" stories I have are NOT PG-13 ;)

V

[jdoleac]

Big V, even R rated stories can be told if you articulate them properly...

Oldswabbie, keep 'em comin. The first one was great.

[oldswabbie]

I can tone down my Tijuana story to less than PG13 BigV...you can adjust the squelch LOL. I can recall quite a few funny incidents over the years that werent too bad.. Remind me to tell you guys about a Senior Chief and a dare on the Isle of Crete and something about some Ooozo...and a young Sailor thinking he could walk after a shot or two...ended up with skinned up nose. Lost a $5.00 bet to that sneaky Senior Chief. Little did this Puny Petty Officer know there is OPIUM in the OOzo in Crete!... Your darn legs turn to rubber!!!



Oldswabbie

[mike09]

I can tone down my Tijuana story to less than PG13 BigV...you can adjust the squelch LOL. I can recall quite a few funny incidents over the years that werent too bad.. Remind me to tell you guys about a Senior Chief and a dare on the Isle of Crete and something about some Ooozo...and a young Sailor thinking he could walk after a shot or two...ended up with skinned up nose. Lost a $5.00 bet to that sneaky Senior Chief. Little did this Puny Petty Officer know there is OPIUM in the OOzo in Crete!... Your darn legs turn to rubber!!!



Oldswabbie

haha, come on I'm dying to hear this Tijuana story-the first stories were great!:D

[ambassador1]

Sorry....the "funny" stories I have are NOT PG-13 ;)

V

We won't delete the post even if it's "R" rated!

[bigv123]

Well...OK then.

***WARNING***
If you're easily offended by things of a sexual nature, please don't read this!
You've been warned.


OK, iirc this was near the end of my first Med cruise. I came on board the Kennedy at about the mid-point of that 6 month deployment. I guess it was a few weeks before we left the Med and headed back to Norfolk when we got 3 new guys in 3rd Division. Two of the guys were pretty easy-going and affable. the third guy, we'll call him Rosen for the sake of the story, was quiet and reserved and never said much at all.

So, one evening after the Chief let us off, we're all down in the berthing cleaning up, getting changed out of work clothes, etc. when a discussion breaks out regarding "hot" women/girls in pop culture. One of the guys from 2nd Division says that he's got a thing for the pop/folk singer Tracy Chapman. This really gets the conversation going (look her up to understand why). The conversation then gradually moves into recounting our first sexual experience(s).

My LPO then, in what I figured was an attempt to kind of pull Rosen into the group and help him bond with the guys says, "hey Rosen, what about you? What was your first time like?" It should be noted that we were all just a bunch of young deck apes. Loud, rowdy, and young. Well, you could of heard a pin drop throughout the entire berthing when Rosen said, "weeelll, out on tha farm, it's mostly just me and the sheeps". Dead silence. Realizing that he had obviously over-shared, Rosen then tries to save the moment by saying, "come on guys, you can't tell me you've never f*&^%$ a sheep!? Everyone does it!" At that point, everyone absolutely exploded in laughter...much to his embarrassment for a looooong time to come.

Such a timeless moment...lmfao.

V

[oldswabbie]

Well...OK then.


V

Man, I would have been asking for band-aids... for the bruise on my chin... from hitting the floor!
Ok... Here's My Tijuana Story... I copied most of it from another post when I was talking to Bud/s 184...
I've never lived this story down in my home town either.... Had to call my buddy Martin (the one that USUALLY kept me out of trouble to come get me).

They SAID I bought a switch blade knife.. which i DID NOT...which they "produced". It was illegal for an American to even posses one in Mexico. All i did was look at one in a shop. I had never even held a switch blade in my life, I was curious... Stupid me. Learned another thing ~ you dont talk back to the TJ Police either, its either SI SENOR or NO SENOR. I had my whole paycheck, a whopping $135.00 I think... But it didnt quite cover my fine... Gee...wonder why???? those jerks...

The TJ police had me stripped "Nekud" standing there in the holding cell. I had my arms across my chest and that "ILL KILL YOU LOOK ON MY FACE" just waiting for anybody else in the holding cell to get within 5 feet of me. Martin walked in 2 hours later ...took one look at me and busted out laughing his A** off. Told everybody back home about it.. coulda kicked his butt for that. Took years for the story to die.

Remember, if this happens to you, You had better put on the "ILL KILL YOU FACE" to the other guys in the cell or you are going to have problems.

By the way, this was the very last time I EVER went to TJ in my life. I use to LOVE going down there! Martin and I had a blast just about everytime... that is when HE was WITH me. The other time we almost got in trouble down there was when a young boy tried to "Sell" us his sister. Yea, typical... Senior.. you want to buy my sister ~ she is a virgin! I swear! Yea kid.. He was a shoe shine kid. Well, my buddy from Imokalee Florida had some beautiful Ostrich skin boots.... Almost a White leather. This stupid little Mexican kid takes a big finger full of black polish and wipes it across Mikes Ostrich skin Boot!!!! Mike drop kicks this kid about 20 yards down Revolution Avenue and here comes the Polecia!...and here goes the Gringoes running to the Border!

LOL

OldSwabbie

[jdoleac]

First of all,
bigV, that's beyond description it's so funny.

swabbie, how'd you survive all these years?

[oldswabbie]

I walk into a coffee shop on 4th street and Broadway San Diego.... 1976....This is "Starsky & Hutch" Days here guys... I actually saw Pimps with goldfish in thier glass shoes! I aint kidding... They had these huge purple hats with feathers and crazy silk coats... you think it was only in the TV shows...no way, it was Real life stuff!

This is 32 years ago.. a very long time ago. Pimps back then had Afro's bigger than basketballs, hookers looked like ~ well ~ hookers. Dope dealers were scummy as they are now. This little coffee shop was frequented by only 3 groups of people ..... the aforementioned... PIMPS, HOOKERS, DRUG DEALERS. I, being the Good Ole "Country Boy" that I was stroll on into this coffee shop by myself without my buddy "Martin". This should give you a clue that BAD things are about to happen to me.

I have on a nasty old cowboy hat, nasty old pointed cowboy boots. I was NOT a drugstore cowboy. Part of my growing up was on a 200 acre Cattle Ranch in Florida. I can break horses, worm cattle, brand cattle (stinks), sew up piles.... i'm the real deal... An honest to goodness Cowboy.

I order a cup of coffee from the waitress ~ her name was Camille... Like the Hurricane. She gives me a weird look but pours me a cup of coffee. I look around at the various assorted ~ Strange group of individuals gathered in this fine establishment...and decided I did NOT like the music playing on the jukebox. I get up, go over to the jukebox and insert my coin for however many plays. I decided upon a song I hadn't heard in a long time... and I had forgotten how the beginning started. A good song... Vernon Oxford ~ Redneck National Anthem....(Click on link below).

The funky music that HAD been playing on the box was replaced by my selection ~ http://www.last.fm/music/Vernon+Oxford/+videos/+1-fzPgk9o1Zt0

I sat there at the counter as Camille walked up...the entire place fell silent and every eye was upon me. She bent over next to my ear so that only I could hear her and she said ever so tenderly... "Either you are the Stupidest SOB on the face of the earth or the baddest MF I've ever met...which is it?" I was judging which way to make an exit...she said, dont worry, ill get you out the back exit.

Yea, I dated her for about 2 or 3 months :D


OldSwabbie

Come on guys... I'm not the only one with the stories!

[oldswabbie]

First of all,
bigV, that's beyond description it's so funny.

swabbie, how'd you survive all these years?

You aint heard nothing yet....

[lisalynne10]

I have on a nasty old cowboy hat, nasty old pointed cowboy boots. I was NOT a drugstore cowboy. Part of my growing up was on a 200 acre Cattle Ranch in Florida. I can break horses, worm cattle, brand cattle (stinks), sew up piles.... i'm the real deal... An honest to goodness Cowboy.



I KNEW there was a reason I like you oldswabbie!! I don't break horses, but will work with a green squirrely one, worm just about anything, brand (yes, it really stinks!), rope with the best of 'em, shovel s**t outta stalls, put up hay, etc.....!!!

ps: I dig the stories.....keep 'em coming!

[oldswabbie]

I KNEW there was a reason I like you oldswabbie!! I don't break horses, but will work with a green squirrely one, worm just about anything, brand (yes, it really stinks!), rope with the best of 'em, shovel s**t outta stalls, put up hay, etc.....!!!

ps: I dig the stories.....keep 'em coming!

Hmmm...How about the story where I beat up a guy (a "funny boy") who pinched my butt (near that Coffee Shop on 4th st). Well, I beat him up good and got arrested by SDPD. You see back in those days a guy could register with the police dept (San Diego) AS A WOMAN and they would treat HIM as a woman!... Shore Patrol come got me and was taking me back to the base. I'm thinking Oh geez...I've lost my Clearance, I'm going to the brig... The van stops by Gate 1 - the Shore Patrolman opens the side door (I'm not going to repeat what he says), unlocks my handcuffs and says BEAT IT! ....Dont have to tell this Swabbie twice and I run like H***. I made myself scare on 4th St for awhile...



I'm telling ya... I can FILL this thread... And a few Others! But, I'm going to wait until somebody ELSE starts telling some stories.

OldSwabbie

[akrock2001]

A good buddy of mine(we'll call him Tom) was getting out of the Navy and joining the Army for SF. For his last night on the island, Peurto Rico, we decided to take him out to dinner and have a few drinks.

We were at Chili's in the bar area, there were three SF guys and four or five Navy guys. Well, in certain parts of Peurto Rico, *cough* close to the base*cough* military guys are not very liked. So anyway, we're having a good time, just the boys... when a Peurto Rican dude gets up with his wife and walks by us, when he does, he mumbles under his breathe some derogatory things about us in spanish. One of the SF guys picks up what he says, replies, then my buddy replies to him directly. Now I will not say that we were wasted at the moment, but we did have a few in us already.

So one of the Navy guys stops him and tries to shake his hand telling him to have a good night. The PR dude takes it as a smart @ss remark and says, "Suck my d*ck, gringo!" Out of nowhere, Tom's fist goes over our buddies shoulder and knocks the PR dude back. Tom tackles him into the front door and pulls a Forrest Gump on his @ss. All you see is his elbow go up and down, with a loud thud... the thud being the dudes face stopping Tom's fist. Dude's wife is screaming, everyone is out of there chairs watching.

Our breacher runs over and pulls Tom off the guy and lets the guy up. Surprisingly, he gets up and he looks like someone sprayed him with red food coloring, with streaks of his own blood running down his face.

---OK, a gringo just beat the sh*t out of a Peurto Rican. This = trouble for us.

Every f*cking Peurto Rican within earshot shows up within seconds. I mean, they're rappelling in from the roof, helo's overhead, f*ckin' word got out quick.

Eight guys vs. a Chili's restuarant full of pissed off Peurto Ricans. They're yelling at us to get out into the parking lot so they can kill us, the dude's wife is yelling and calling Policia, the feces has hit the rotating osculator.

We litterally had to fight our way to the front door, getting away from the mob, the blue lights from PRPD(Peurto Rico Police Department) are coming in from the interstate, and we're running.

We said 'f*ck it' at trying to tell our side of the story to PRPD, they came in one side of the parking lot, and we left the other with everyone pointing at us. We did no less than 100mph in our rental cars that had no E-Brake from playing the E-Brake game all afternoon, dodging cars and every other obstacle that PR has on their sh*tty roads.

**PRPD called ahead of us to the base and told them Marines(everyone is a Marine to them) had beat up several people out in town***

We finally get to the base with PRPD right on our @ss, show our ID's to base security and they tell us to pull in but pull over. We do so, jump out of the cars and start laughing at PRPD because, "You can't touch us motherf*ckers!! US soil, baby!!" Base security informs them they have no jurisdiction, turns them around and then walks over to us to..... wait for it....
Arrest us.

Yep, we managed to evade a mob of Peurto Ricans and outrun their police just to get taken into custody by our own guys. The next day, after explaining our innocent(sarcarsm) side to base security officers, they let us go with a slap on the wrist. We did get banned from Chili's though...

[oldswabbie]

We did get banned from Chili's though...

All of that to get banned from Chili's? LOL Dang!~ that was funny! Did you have to spend the evening in the brig? Brig Marines aren't known for their sense of humor. :D

[akrock2001]

All of that to get banned from Chili's? LOL Dang!~ that was funny! Did you have to spend the evening in the brig? Brig Marines aren't known for their sense of humor. :D

Nope. there really was no need to as Security held us long enough into the morning and had the culprit "Tom" under apprehension.

He turned himself in when he saw they detained all of us. He got his cuffs off while in the patrol car, texted me saying, not to say a word, that he was going to take all the heat. That was a pretty bold thing to do for someone trying to get out of the Navy to go into something big, SF.

[oldswabbie]

A recent funny memory is of Jason, my Wife's oldest who just got out of the Navy about 2 years ago. He was going into EOD. Shortly after he got out of Boot and was assigned his first command, a ship in Norfolk.. My wife and I are making dinner one night at home (in Florida) and the phone rings, My wife answers, "Its Jason" she says with a big smile. "oh, you need to talk to Jim?" her smile fades. She hands me the phone.

I get on the phone "Hey dude". Jason says..."Yea ~ Uh, Hey, Uh, I've got Uh, Captains Mast in a day or so". I'm like "JASON! What the H&LL did you do to get Captains Mast, you JUST got on your ship yesterday!".

He starts to explain how apparently 3 guys decide to "initiate" him to the ship with a MOCK RAPE in the galley the first evening. Understand that Jason is 6:4 ~ 235lbs.. a very big boy. He beat the snot out of all 3 of them with a TOASTER! It took about 20 stiches to close up one guys face and about 15 another guys head. Only a Chief walking through saved the 3 of them from really getting hurt BAD.

In the end, Jason was exhonerated, the Captain asked please not to beat anybody else up.

Although, before he left the ship he did duct tape an Ensign to the Piping above the berthing area for a an hour... the Ensign did not appreciate it at all.

OldSwabbie

[oldswabbie]

Nope. there really was no need to as Security held us long enough into the morning and had the culprit "Tom" under apprehension.

He turned himself in when he saw they detained all of us. He got his cuffs off while in the patrol car, texted me saying, not to say a word, that he was going to take all the heat. That was a pretty bold thing to do for someone trying to get out of the Navy to go into something big, SF.

You were lucky! Sometimes they will put you in there until they get to the bottom of it!

[akrock2001]

You were lucky! Sometimes they will put you in there until they get to the bottom of it!

Oh well...

People forget that PR can be a dangerous place. People say it's a great tourist attraction... well, it is, as long as you stay with your tour guide. There are some really bad places there that could lead you to an unhappy ending.

This is the same area that DevGru got into a huge brawl at Don's Light House Bar with quite a few people getting SERIOULSY hurt.

[oldswabbie]

Thats sound VERY much like what happened to me and my Marine buddies in Reykavik Iceland at the Lofliedlier hotel. We had gotten rooms and were going to party all weekend long , 3 Marines, Tony, Moody, Recon John & I. We were in the bar at the hotel and this Icelandic couple started argueing BAD. The guy gets up and starts screaming at the woman (his wife) she stands up and slaps the guy... he then flat out punches her in the face.

Ok ~ Aint no way 4 American Servicemen are going to stand by and watch that happen! Moody (the Corporal from Georgia) get up hollers at this guy and goes over and smooth knocks this guy the **** out. He turns around and this CRAZY WOMAN jumps on his back screaming! Its the guys wife who he had hit a few minutes before. She is clawing the heck out of Moodys neck and back and Tony (the Sgt) is trying to get her off him. John and I are laughing so hard we cant hardly get up...until the guys friends stand up... then we stop laughing and get serious...

All that... they throw US out of the hotel.. Wouldnt give us our money back .. broke curfew... almost got arrested! Ducked into alleyways until we found a stupid Hostel that took us in for the night!

LOL .... What a life!

[oldswabbie]

Oh well...

People forget that PR can be a dangerous place. People say it's a great tourist attraction... well, it is, as long as you stay with your tour guide. There are some really bad places there that could lead you to an unhappy ending.

This is the same area that DevGru got into a huge brawl at Don's Light House Bar with quite a few people getting SERIOULSY hurt.

I know, You were LUCKY. Jason's ship was there and he said there were two guys killed a week or so before they got there (knifed) going down the wrong road. Funny story.. a cruise ship was there at the same time. Some girls asked the guys what ship they were on.. Jason being ever the "Smart A$$" said "The Big Gray One With the GUNS"...

OldSwabbie

[oldswabbie]

I tell you Akrock, the Navy was Great... I really miss it... its been alot of years :(

[akrock2001]

I tell you Akrock, the Navy was Great... I really miss it... its been alot of years :(

I can't talk about the regular Navy, but the guys I knew in PR, and the guys I met in BUD/S are life long friends.

As well and especially the guys I was in Iraq with... A few became closer to me than my real brother.

[itsallorganek]

This is the same area that DevGru got into a huge brawl at Don's Light House Bar with quite a few people getting SERIOULSY hurt.[/QUOTE]

I take it most of the DevGru guys made it out of the situation ok? :p

[oldswabbie]

This is the same area that DevGru got into a huge brawl at Don's Light House Bar with quite a few people getting SERIOULSY hurt.
I take it most of the DevGru guys made it out of the situation ok? :p

Like Akrock said, PR can be a DANGEROUS place if you go to the WRONG place no matter WHO you are. As a parent you give you kids adivice. One of my bits of advice to Jason when he went in the Navy was "listen to his gut".. when he was in PR that one time he said his two buddies wanted to go down this road. He said something was nagging him about it. He remembered me telling him to "listen to gut"...and he talked them out of it. That road turned out to the OFF LIMITS and was where the two guys got killed a few weeks before. he said Whoa...that was spooky man! If something is telling you NOT to do something LISTEN! There is a REASON.

Hey Guys ~ listen to the Oldswabbie here, free advice, it might save you A$$ someday, somewhere, somehow... go with your gut instincts.

OldSwabbie

[oldswabbie]

I had orders to Keflavik Iceland. I was STUCK in Norfolk for about 3 weeks waiting for GOD knows whatever to occur for me to get up there. All the while I am doing literally NOTHING and living in Transient barracks near the Piers. I think these barracks were built around uh... 1776?

It was sometime around March, and it was getting a bit warm in Norfolk but still could get cold too. I decided to buy the "New" Double Knit black uniforms they had just authorized. Hey, warm enough but yet had long sleeves. One evening I did beat the snot out of a drunk Sailor trying to beat the lock off my Sea Chest when I came back in. I HATE TRANSIENT BARRACKS... Did I mention that?

One day I come in from chow and the 1st Class in the office barks out "Petty Officer ***, You got your travel orders today!, you ready to go?". I was like YEA! He said If I didnt make it to the tarmac for the flight it would be another week. Man, I threw all my crap into my seabag, over my shoulder it went and I was checked out of there and on my way to the terminal with orders in hand.

12 Hours later i'm sitting on a C130, blankets over my lap and across my legs like everyone else, flying north ~ FREEZING MY A$$ off. A few more hours in the air and its getting colder. For those of you that dont know, they really dont heat the C130's ~ not sure if they even can? They do give us something like a TV dinner to eat ~ FU ~ Food Unrecognizable.

We land in Keflavik Iceland, Thank God. I think. After God knows how long we had been in that aircraft getting up there we were ALL ready to get off that COLD, NOISY, rat trap. Back in 1977 the facilities in Keflavik left quite a bit, no, they left ALOT to be desired. There was no covered terminal thingy that came out to meet the plane! No, some poor smuck airman had to push some cold steel stairs up to the plane and then they opened the doors and you climbed down the stairs in 5 degrees....Remember I said I had bought a nice new double knit uniform? Uh yea, I had wind breaker too...

I stepped out of that plane that I THOUGHT was cold into about 5 degrees with that uniform on. Every fiber of my body screamed "IDIOT"!!!!!!!! My fingers stuck to the stairs and I pulled skin off. My trip was not starting well.

I wont go into the the other boring details about checking in... other than the next day I slipped on the ice in my cowboy boots, broke through ice into water which then froze on me... almost got frostbite before I made it to Comstation to check in. Yea, it was a GREAT START! LOL

OldSwabbie

[oldswabbie]

Mr. Parker you got to have a funny story from your time.. I would love to hear it... Akrock gave us a great one about Puerto Rico.

I dont want to be the only guy writing! I mean I saw, did, heard some funny stuff...but...

Like the Blue flame leaping out of a guys uh......on the liberty bus coming back from Catania and everyone yelling DO IT AGAIN!!! He's saying I cant.. tears in his eyes... I blistered my *****

Apparently you do that quickly and once... he didnt... musta toasted him good.

LOL


OldSwabbie

[MrParker]

Damn guys, I really don't know if I have anything that compares to these stories. I was on an Aircraft carrier and we deployed when Bush took office, needless to say, we didn't hit many ports, almost none. All the dets I went on were to other ships. I got screwed a bunch, my command was one of those kinda places...best thing I got was nailing the hottest girl on the ship down in the brig...she was well, how do I say this nicely, the ships sluts...so it's not like I was the first....

Edit: when I say hot, I mean porn star HWAT!

Not like the girl with the goatee that got pregnant...(that happened...)

Or the fat girl that didn't know she was pregnant until she was 8 months and we were 4 months in the gulf already...

[oldswabbie]

You guys had it made, "My Navy" had no women on surface combatant ships. Only Oilers or Tenders.


OldSwabbie

[MrParker]

Well I guess I got one,

There were these 3 rednecks in my division, we will call them Mike, Mark and Jack. Well Jack had a middle rack buut was on det in PR. Well the other 2 drunks went out drinking...I was in bed, about 1 in the morning I feel a hand grabbing my ankle. I wake up and look down and I see Mike standing there completely naked. He says he was just looking for a towel...Well in the red lights he was a neon pale...and I was a little confused by it...then the guy in the rack below me says..."Home boy just Sh*t in that rack..."! Yep, He **** in Jack's middle rack and had stepped in it and was leaving sh*tty foot prints all over the brething. It wasn't my duty day so I closed my curtainn and 'Never Saw a Thing'...Next thing I hear...our lifer 3rd cussing up a storm cleaning up all this sh*t. Now for those of you that know what a middle rack is, you know you don't plop down on it...you got to work your way up on to it...so how is hiked his *** up there, I don't know...
A few weeks later they went drinking again and this time we are pulling out the next day. I am in my rack again, which I should mention is at an angle to it so I can see it, and I hear...'Mark, wtf are you doing...SMACK"! Well Lil ole Sean smacks him in the druck face because he is pissing all over Jack's middle rack...

Yep, the same rack got pissed in and sh*t in all by his 2 drinking buddies while he was gone...pretty nasty.

[oldswabbie]

OH MAN~ Thats Nasty! LOL... Lord have Mercy! LOL :eek: :D

[MrParker]

That stuff happened too much...

One night I went to get a drnk out of the fountain, well it was dark...I turned it on, let the water run a second, heard it splashing in water...I bend down to take a sip...all I smell is puke. Some ******* threw up in the damn drinking fountain.
I smacked our drunk native american across the face as he was pissing in a guys boots while the guy was looking out of his bottom rack asking him what he was doing...

I've walk around the brething at night only to come across corners full of piss...

My good friend got pretty drunk overseas, he woke up and he sh*t his rack, picked it up bare handed and took his little poo nuget to the head...

Some ******* would take a sh*t in the shower stall

Another guy would finger paint with his sh*t in one of the heads...

I don't know what the hell was wrong with those dumbassess...

[oldswabbie]

Thats the thing. I never really was much of a drinker. I usually (believe this or not) volunteered for Shore Patrol duty on News Years Eve so the married guys could spent time with family etc. The Typical ding dongs would drink until they passed out, we would go get them and put them in the brig until they sobered up ~ write them up and so on. The ones I hated was the "Mean" drunks. The ones you had to take out the baton on... then they would dare you... I would be like ~ dude ~ you REALLY dont want me to do this... the next morning they would be like "MAN! Why did you crack me with that thing!". I would say "Tell why were you an A$$hole last night and Ill tell you why I hit you with it".

When I was stationed in Sigonella (for 2.5 years) my best buddy Larry was a MA (shore patrol). Had alot of wierd crazy situations working with him.

Oldswabbie

[oldswabbie]

The FUNNIEST THING? OUR PAY!!!! This was our Monthly Pay. Note, Frogman80 (Amir) and I were in at the same time. He was a couple of years ahead of me so he was a little "Richer" than I was by the time I got to San Diego. Just look at what approx what the Warrant Officer Helicopter Pilots in Nam were making in base pay. They did get flight, combat etc..still, not a heck of alot of money huh.

Now - Think about going to bud/s as an E-2 and going through all that for $268.00 a month...

PER MONTH
E-1 $260.00
E-2 $268.00
E-3 $275.00
E-4 $292.00
E-5 $300.00
E-6 $307.00
E-7 $322.00
E-8 $340.00
E-9 $355.00
W-1 $328.00
W-2 $341.00
W-3 $352.00

OldSwabbie

[jdoleac]

Here's one from my neck of the woods.

My basic L.E. academy was 9 weeks on a National Guard base because a certain hurricane destroyed the original site south of there. The Academy ran from Sunday to Friday, we reported on Sunday and got to go home Friday. Every Sunday, everyone showed up at the top of the hill about a 1/4 mile from the Academy office in their P.T. gear, gun belt, and whatever other crap you needed to haul back for the week. Everyone is standing there making sure their weapons were clear and one guy, I still don't know how, was unloading his Glock and had an accidental discharge. Lo and behold, the Adjutant General for the state is on his Sunday jog and is literally 15 feet away when this happens! Of all people! Long story short, after a full investigation by our commanders, base MPs, and every other interested party, this young cadet fills out about 30 reports, does about 5000 extra push-ups for the next week and for the rest of the academy "volunteered" for every terrible a$$ thing you can imagine. He got extra special attention because our Deputy Director was a retired Command Sergeant Major with 33 years in about half active, half reserve,and he and the A.G. were cloooose friends. This fine young cadet was not kicked out, but came about as close as you could. Indirectly, he became everyone's hero, because compared to him, they could do no wrong. He also had the distinct honor of spending the next 4 nights after evening chow until the instructors got tired of waiting on him, digging up that area until he found the spent round. The hole was large enough to bury a squad from our class by the time he got done.

[akrock2001]

best thing I got was nailing the hottest girl on the ship down in the brig...she was well, how do I say this nicely, the ships sluts...so it's not like I was the first....

Edit: when I say hot, I mean porn star HWAT!




Soooo... ummm,,, let's hear this story... :)

Cause I could care less about all the rest where guys sh*t on themselves, sh*t on others, sh*t on walls, sh*t in the showers, write with their sh*t, etc. Maybe I'm just not a feces type of guy....

[oldswabbie]

Akrock... LOL..How did I know you would poke you head up and go Uh...what was that Mr. Parker? :p

We had a BIG issue on our 3rd floor Barracks with uh.. well, the Girls. Our barracks were all RM's, CT's of course all had TS Clearances. Turns out a bunch of the girls had some uh - "Like" feelings for other girls. Again ~ this is 1977 and a BIG NEGATIVE especially if you had a security clearance. About 12 girls "left" Iceland shortly after an investigation which almost turned into what someone said would be a Congressional Investigation. That, I doubted.. but in any case it was a BIG shake up. However the mystery of why alot of guys "Couldnt get dates" was solved :rolleyes:

The replacement RM's were uh.. were more should we say.. friendly... :p

You see.. this explains why my roomate and I had Icelandic gals in the barracks in my earlier story ~ it's a 1970's version of "Outsourcing" LOL

OldSwabbie

[MrParker]

Soooo... ummm,,, let's hear this story... :)

Cause I could care less about all the rest where guys sh*t on themselves, sh*t on others, sh*t on walls, sh*t in the showers, write with their sh*t, etc. Maybe I'm just not a feces type of guy....

Trust me, neither am I, it just seemed to be every where...

***Disclamer, sexual in nature, read at own risk, Mods delete if too much***

OK, so this girl...she had a thing for big muscle guys and I fit that model. For a few weeks she would come over...ok hold on, I need to say that she looked just like Shannon Elizabeth from American Pie, just shorter, but just as hot...

So she would come over to me when ever I was around. She was TAD to the mess decks at this time and I was TAD to the ships Brig. She already had the rep as a ho...and I knew to. Especially when I came back from working out one night and ran into her while she was working. I had stopped and got a Resses peanut butter cup before she we started talking. I offered her one the nice guy that I am. She took it and 'Sucked' the chocolate off of it like a pro. She also made a point to tell me and the other guys there standing there that it was her special talent...

A few weeks later, after she stood me up for a date...we were talking on the mess decks. I was on duty and she was working. She asked me what I was doing that day down in the brig...told her I was watching porn. I was usually down in the brig by myself on my duty days. We talked about how much she liked porn and masturbation for a while, then I offered her a tour of the brig. So we head down there and I give her the quick tour and then we sat down and started to watch the porn. We sat there talking about sex and how she loved threesomes for about a half an hour.

Now you should all know that she stood me up because she had a BF and that is also why I wasn't going to make a move on her...It got to the point that we were both about to pop. I told her that I wanted to do something with her but I just wasn't aggressive enough...haha, she jumped out of her chair and turned her hat backwards and started kissing me, the funny part was she kept hitting her head on the locker next to me, haha...

Then she commented on how much she wanted to take advantage of how the coveralls could be unzipped a certain way to give her access to certain parts with her....*cough*, mouth...

After a bit of that....we went to the back and in the words of the Blood Hound Gang, we did like the animals do...I don't know how much is too much here, I feel like I have already been too graphic.

So after taking care of our urges she went back to work, I went and told my pals and then kicked there asses hahaha. I was pumped!

***Mods, if this was too much, clean it up, delete it, let me know if you want me to delete it, I saw that BigV's post wouldn't be deleted if it was R rated, mine might be close to X...***

[donnyboy311]

You guy's have me rolling, even had a few tears,lol, keep them coming.

I have a story from one trip on the carrier Carl Vinson, I was a PR in "the" F-14D squadron VF-11 and worked alot with the officers. Well, one night my DO came to grab some gear to go turn a jet (turning is just starting an engine to check and other systems checks) most of the time it's just one officer but he asked me if I wanted sit Rio and play a bit. So we both grabbed Helmets and masks and proceded to the jet , which happened to be in the "Hole" ( basically behind the tower and at night, it feels like a black hole there, thus the name, very hard to see anything)...So we get in and he starts the port engine and basically talks me through what I was looking at. Well, other shops also need info from the turns and this time The AT's were flashing all sorts of hand signals , I thought to the LT. But, in fact, they were to me, the "RIO". He told me to screw with them, so I kept having them resign and flashed back most of the signals I knew, I could tell they were getting pissed so the next flashed sign, I flipped em off and ignored 'em for the rest of the turn.... I could see murder in their eyes when I climbed out, that was of course until they realized it was just PR3 not some Ahole...I know not as good as the other stories but we have yet to hear very many of the Practical jokes that are so common...
Keep em coming Guy's

[ambassador1]

MrParker -- Since you were intelligent enough to advise that your post is of a sexually explicit matter and the fact that you withheld the name to protect the guilty "ho", I'm good with your post.

ambassador1

[gmt-nyc]

MrParker, first, damn fine story sir! A shorter, slutty Shannon Elizabeth, love it! I doubt the site's ROE was designed to cover **** like that!

[MrParker]

MrParker, first, damn fine story sir! A shorter, slutty Shannon Elizabeth, love it! I doubt the site's ROE was designed to cover **** like that!

Yeah, It was a good day that is to say the least...I didn't want to get too graphic...sure beats all the drunks crapping every where!

[MrParker]

I know not as good as the other stories but we have yet to hear very many of the Practical jokes that are so common...

Like what, any of the following...

Send guys to get any of the following: their 'Channel Fever' shots, bottle of 'A One R', 'Id Ten T' form, gas for the electric fork lift, pump for the solid rubber tires of the fork lift or weapons skid, keys to any and everything that does not need keys, go to the BM's so they can lower you down to pick the mail up out of the water.

Walking up to the FNG in the middle of the night completely naked after a shower because your drunk buddies what a cheap laugh, shake the poor guys hand and start a converstaion with him. All the while he will not take his eyes off your fore head so he doesn't see anything.

Finding that poor SOB asleep next to a pole and tape his body to it.

I woke up to find shaving cream in my boots in retaliation to some pranks I pulled.

Filling a bucket with cold water and dumping it on your pal in the shower.

Finding the hot water shut off valve in the head, wait until the shower stalls are full and turn it off at the most inappropriate moment...

Is that kind of what you are getting at when you say practical jokes ;)

[MrParker]

Ah man, sorry for so many post but I just remembered one major A-hole move on my behalf.

So I had a middle rack, the guy across from me would always come in late in the morning and wake me up. Then he would get in his rack, fall asleep and SNORE...I would wear ear plugs but some times it was too much. I would yell over to him, "wake up, roll over...stop snoring man wtf!".

This happened for months, well one night I couldn't take it anymore. I had a little space behind my rack were I hung my camal back. In the webding of that pack was my water bottle. After he came in late as hell and woke me up, started to snore, I reached for it...

I grabbed my bottle of water, ever so quietly I took the top off. I reached across to his rack, waste level, I poured out half a bottle of cold water all over his crocth. I pulled my bottle back as he jumped from his rack freaked out. He thought he pissed all over himself, hahahaha...

I laid in my rack very quiet and still with a huge grin on my face as he changed all of his sheets. He never mentioned his 'accident' to anyone, I didn't even tell anyone for a long time, he never found out it was just a water bottle. He thinks he has wet himself to this day, hahaha.

[jdoleac]

This thread can certainly make you laugh. It'll come in handy about halfway through my first day back at work.

[oldswabbie]

Ah man, sorry for so many post but I just remembered one major A-hole move on my behalf.

So I had a middle rack, the guy across from me would always come in late in the morning and wake me up. Then he would get in his rack, fall asleep and SNORE...I would wear ear plugs but some times it was too much. I would yell over to him, "wake up, roll over...stop snoring man wtf!".

This happened for months, well one night I couldn't take it anymore. I had a little space behind my rack were I hung my camal back. In the webding of that pack was my water bottle. After he came in late as hell and woke me up, started to snore, I reached for it...

I grabbed my bottle of water, ever so quietly I took the top off. I reached across to his rack, waste level, I poured out half a bottle of cold water all over his crocth. I pulled my bottle back as he jumped from his rack freaked out. He thought he pissed all over himself, hahahaha...

I laid in my rack very quiet and still with a huge grin on my face as he changed all of his sheets. He never mentioned his 'accident' to anyone, I didn't even tell anyone for a long time, he never found out it was just a water bottle. He thinks he has wet himself to this day, hahaha.

That was a good one! ha ha Teach him to snore all night and keep everyone up!

[oldswabbie]

You guy's have me rolling, even had a few tears,lol, keep them coming.

I have a story from one trip on the carrier Carl Vinson, I was a PR in "the" F-14D squadron VF-11 and worked alot with the officers. Well, one night my DO came to grab some gear to go turn a jet (turning is just starting an engine to check and other systems checks) most of the time it's just one officer but he asked me if I wanted sit Rio and play a bit. So we both grabbed Helmets and masks and proceded to the jet , which happened to be in the "Hole" ( basically behind the tower and at night, it feels like a black hole there, thus the name, very hard to see anything)...So we get in and he starts the port engine and basically talks me through what I was looking at. Well, other shops also need info from the turns and this time The AT's were flashing all sorts of hand signals , I thought to the LT. But, in fact, they were to me, the "RIO". He told me to screw with them, so I kept having them resign and flashed back most of the signals I knew, I could tell they were getting pissed so the next flashed sign, I flipped em off and ignored 'em for the rest of the turn.... I could see murder in their eyes when I climbed out, that was of course until they realized it was just PR3 not some Ahole...I know not as good as the other stories but we have yet to hear very many of the Practical jokes that are so common...
Keep em coming Guy's

Hey, that was a good story, dont unrate yourself!

Oldswabbie

[oldswabbie]

As most of you know ~ after hours in a Naval Communications Center the Supervisor has the authority of the commanding officer... BUT...you BETTER be right. One night about 3am an Air Force LT comes to my window and "Demands" to be let IN my space. I check the access log ~ his name is NOT on my list... In addition...He is NOT WEARING the proper Badge for access to my spaces.

I very respectfully decline and CHECK my list again....and decline access to the LT. He raises his voice and again DEMANDS I let him in to type up a message to be sent out. I once again check my list to make sure so I dont get my rear end in trouble... NOPE... LT XXXXX is NOT on my Access List.

"LT XXXXX, Sir, I am very sorry Sir I cannot allow you access to these spaces. If you will give us the message we will type it up and you can proof read it and we can then send the message for you". At this the LT starts to YELL at me... "WHAT IS YOUR NAME!" WHAT IS YOUR RANK?! I DEMAND ACCESS!! ~ At this point I close the curtain and call the duty officer... LCDR XXXXXXX (who was a really neat officer - except when you wake him up at 3am for BS reasons). I tell him I have an Air Force LT going nuts at my door to be let in and he is not on my access List and could he help. I hear him mumble and know this is NOT going to be good.

A couple minutes later I see LCDR XXXXXX in his Pajama's!!! coming to my door with the Air Force LT still standing there fuming. He says "Petty Officer XXXXX, is the LT on your Access List?". Once again I pull my list - "NO SIR, the LT is Not on my list". LCDR XXXXX says to the LT, what the hell do you have that is so ^%@^! important that they cant type it up? The LT gives the LCDR the message draft and he starts cussing like I have NEVER heard him cuss before. He says "Why the H*** couldnt you give this to them to type up for you? Dont you realize these RM's have higher clearances than YOU DO! this is only a CONFIDENTIAL message!".

He continued his butt chewing around the corner with the LT. A few minutes later the Air Force LT came back to my window with the draft for us to type up....which we did very quickly... with no SEG (S*** Eatin Grins)... that he could see anyways...


OldSwabbie

[bigv123]

Here's another one from the bowels of the JFK.

On the JFK the Deck Dept. had the berthing that was most aft. It was situated right between the port and starboard aft steering spaces. Just a couple bulkheads ahead of our berthing was the E-Division coup (S2M being between us). As such I regularly ran into those guys and befriended a few. One of the guys was an IC3, well call him Knute. IC3 Knute was a notoriously deep sleeper. One day after work, I was in the E-Div berthing playing spades with some of the guys. A guy from the duty section comes in to wake Knute up for his watch. I should note here that Knute had the top bunk. This guy shakes him. Nothing. Shoves him. Nada. Punches him in the arm. Zero. Finally this guy, with help from another guy in E-Div pulls Knute completely out of his rack! Knute falls the 5-5 1/2 feet to the deck with a thunderous "thud". Then, reaches over to the bottom bunch...grabs the blanket from that rack and pulls it on top of him and keeps snoring! Unbelievable.

Finally, the guy takes a lighter to Knute's forearm. Viola! 1 second degree burn later, Knute is up and ready for his watch :)

V

[oldswabbie]

You are kidding, all the way from the top bunk down to the deck and he still didnt wake up? I bet that boy was bruised! Apparently Marcus has it correct, you have to light them on fire to get them to change their minds! :D


OldSwabbie

[oldswabbie]

I kinda gave a teaser for this one way back there... this took place in Crete..must have been around April, 1980 (thats all I'm going to say).

Myself and another Petty officer were assigned to a special communications detachment at Souda Bay. Well, me and this other PO (we normally didnt get along AT ALL) went out on the town of Xhania..on the waterfront. Well, this Senior Chief (dont remember who he was with) was being a real smart A$$... you know those SC's... :) Anyway, he goes.. Hey.... Petty Officer XXXXXX... I bet I can buy you 1 shot of something and in 10 minutes you wont be able to walk.

I'm thinking ..HUH? Yea... Right Chief! Ok, youre on. It was like a $5.00 or $10.00 bet, I forget how much (not alot). He buys this shot of NASTY tasting stuff... I drink it. About 10 minutes later he goes "Hey, stand up". I had almost forgotten about it..."what?" ... "STAND UP".

I go to stand up and my legs go completely RUBBER under me. I hit the pavement and barely save my face with outstretched arms but did scratch up my nose. I'm like "what the H*** did they give me!". I didnt feel drunk or anything. The Senior Chief and the other guys were laughing their butts off. I drag my silly tail end into a chair and wipe the blood off my nose and try to figure out what the heck he had done to me.

In Crete ~ the "National" OOzo has /had Opium in it (as I already had said in my spoiler). Since my job was (high security clearance) such when we got back to our base I went to my division officer as soon as I could and the other PO backed up my story so that I wouldnt get in trouble in case they did a urine drop etc on me...

Boy... Never trust Sneaky Senior Chiefs... :D


OldSwabbie

[donnyboy311]

Oops , I meant to say Aft of the tower...and thank you OldSwabbie

[MrParker]

In Crete ~ the "National" OOzo has /had Opium in it (as I already had said in my spoiler). Since my job was (high security clearance) such when we got back to our base I went to my division officer as soon as I could and the other PO backed up my story so that I wouldnt get in trouble in case they did a urine drop etc on me...

When we went to Crete that was a big deal, they said no matter what, if you pop, you are done because we were told not to drink the OOzo.

Here is a story of how mean the navy can be to a poor young sailor. We will call him Dane, close enough so the name sounds right.

I had been sent to run the berthing after a year and a half running the bomb build mag. Nice break to say the least. Well other then the PO running the berthing it was staffed with the dirt bags most of the time. The guys whos quals had run up, got in trouble, whatever, they got sent to the berthing to be babysat. The only thing, I was always and have always been friends with the dirt bag guys, ever since Jr. high. So when the 1st classes and Chiefs had problems with guys, I never did, they were my people.

So we will call the other guys working down there DB1, DB2, and DB3. All good guys in there own right, just didn't get along with the navy.

Now Dane, John Dane we will call him. His real name was a cool name that you would think a cool guy would stand before you with that name...NOPE, dude was a douch bag! Little scrawny SOB that you just had to hate. Yes the navy can be a mean place. His whinny attidue never helped him.

We were passing out the laundry one afternoon inport shortly before we were secured for the day. Then DB1 comes across a pair of Dane's skivies...well, again, I don't know why my stories involve crap, but he had a huge, I mean HUGE Sh*t stain running down his skivies. DB1 started to laugh and laugh. DB2 took them and while laughing, tucked them into a rack to the sh*t stain would be visible to everyone as they came down the ladder. I was like, "Nah guys, that's just ****ed up..." So I took them down...to do my part as a responsible leader...haha, gave them to DB3 who then took them with a little bit of guidance and strung them across to coat hangers and the end of a rack. So this way they were strung out, stretched out. He then took a sharpie and wrote, "Whipe your *** Dane" across the elastic.

The division was secured and they all came walking down the ladder, one guy saw it, then another...laughing as poor lil Dane saw it...he was then blessed with the name, "Sh*t Stain Dane" for the rest of his days in the navy. He went to the LPO after a while to have people stop calling him by his lovely nickname...didn't work. So let that be a lessen to clean yourself good and to be a good person, a cool person that people like. Don't be a douch bag. Poor lil Sh*t stain Dane didn't learn those lessens.

But to his saving grace, some time later, durning an onload of some airfoil groups, big deals that came in huge drums, some weighing 300lbs that we had to stack by hand. Some rough housing went down and poor lil Dane got nailed with a mighty big arm across the guts...it actually ruptured his Spleen! He didn't rat the guy out...not that I agreed with the guy that nailed him, he always played a little too rough. Dane did a descent thing and didn't screw the guy over. He gained some rescept in the end.

So moral of the story, be cool, clean your ***....

[oldswabbie]

Wow...another S*** story Mr. Parker. Sounds like your Ship was FOS... LOL... Sorry, had to say it! LOL

Actually, the ONLY thing they made SURE to tell me and the other PO on the way to Crete was "Under NO Circumstances, NO CAMERA's", if they..meaning the Greek guards see you snapping pictures they shoot you. I was like .. OK... Pictures aren't that Important to get shot over! I can buy postcards...which I did!

They never told anything about the Oozo. I was so pissed off at that SC I could have just.... well, heck, what's a lowly PO like me gonna do to a Senior Chief? AND...he SHOULD have known better to do that to me knowing the Clearance level I had (TS+). Anyway, it would have come down on his butt since I and the other PO were up front about it.

Anyway, it all worked out, scab on my nose healed and my Division Officer wasnt too concerned because I came to him about it. :)

I'm glad to hear Lil Dane did the right thing... Sometimes the guys you think are the S***birds end up doing the right thing when you least expect it.

OldSwabbie

[jdoleac]

Man oh man, the $h*t is everywhere!

[oldswabbie]

Man oh man, the $h*t is everywhere!

Especially on Mr. Parkers Ship ... I wonder if they used the tailhook or they just "Slid in"?? LOL (hey, that was funny)....:D

[MrParker]

I know man, what the hell!?! I just never understood. I was just the innocent bystander to all of it, except with 'Dane'...

[bigv123]

Some good stories here...well, I saved my favorite for last.

Everyone in the Navy has had some fun at the expense of a newbie. On Aircraft Carriers it gets ratcheted up a peg or two because of the sheer size of the ship. I was on-board the Kennedy for about and year and a half and came nowhere near seeing all of the spaces on the ship. So, it was pretty common to send the new guys off looking for the bowling alley on the 4th deck up forward. Or, stuff like "run down to the gear locker and get some bulkhead eraser". Stuff like that happened all the time. Some times it worked, some times it didn't. But this one time...

As I've said before, I had quite a few friends in E-Div. One of the shops that they man and operate is the Lighting Shop. Well a good friend of mine to this very day was an EM3 in the lighting shop...and they got in a new boot camp. At the time, we were in port at Norfolk NoB tied up to Pier 11 South iirc with the Coral Sea next to us on 11 N. It was right after lunch when the 1MC goes off with "The smoking lamp is now off in all designated spaces blah blah blah...". Well, my buddy up in the lighting shops says "oh ****!! the smoking lamp is out...F*CK! hey boot camp, run up to the Bosun Locker and get a couple bulbs for the smoking lamp. And hurry before the chief comes down here and chews our asses!"

So, my buddy of course knowing that I'm working in Deck Dept gives me a call and fills me in on whats going on. I call up to the Bosun Locker (run by the guys in 1st Div) and tell them to play along. So, after about 20 minutes this new E-Div boot camp shows up at the Bosun Locker (I'm sure he got lost once or twice on the way lol) and asks for the aforementioned 2 bulbs for the smoking lamp. The guys running the locker at the time asks him for him paperwork...which, of course, he doesn't have. Then tells him "sorry man, I can just hand out gear w/o the proper paperwork". The kid then starts to get anxious and frustrated wondering wtf he's going to do. The PO running the locker then says, "hey man, tell you what. If you run this errand for me down to medical real fast, I'll hook you up with the bulbs you need." He, of course, agrees.

So, my buddy up in the Bosun locker sends this poor kid down to medical for some extra fallopian tubes. He, just like I did, calls ahead to a buddy of his that's a corpsman down there and fills him in. This new guys shows up at medical and get the same treatment as before. They tell him they're all out of fallopian tubes. BUT...they have an idea.

They send this guy up to the OOD!! The OOD of course doesn't know how to get any fallopian tubes, but, he might have a buddy that does. And, in one of THE coolest moves I've ever seen an officer make...he sends this poor boot camp kid over to the Coral Sea to ask the OOD there for some Fallopian Tubes!!! And the best part? Our OOD called the Coral Sea while the kid was en route and had their OOD play along!!! Rumor has it that that kid got caught up in a Bravo working party for the Coral Sea and a few other pit stops before he got back to the Kennedy.

That was a good day...for everyone BUT him :)
V

[oldswabbie]

Well, I have to admit I had a roommate when I moved into my 1st apartment in Motta St. Anastasia Sicily. Moved off base (Sigonella) pretty quickly after getting there the barracks were SO BAD.. I mean the ****roaches were even moving out saying "We cant live like this!". The barracks were like 1948 vintage .. pretty bad shape. Rats, mice, ****roaches.. Termites.. Nasty..

In our nice new apartment off base in Motta St. Anastasia (On Mt. Etna the Volcano)...My roommate ~ lets call him SLOB... his real name was ... (thought I was going to say it didn't you). He apparently didn't understand alot about hygiene and the proper washing of one BEDDING. After a month and his sheets where Green/Black and his room stunk I took a marker and wrote on his sheets "WASH THESE SHEETS!".. and when he got back to the apt we had a Come to Jesus meeting.

He ended up moving out shortly thereafter...then I found another place all by myself down in a vineyard in the same town on the slopes of Mt Etna. It was a great life out there all by myself...until my house got broken into and everything I had stolen about 3 months before my EAOS!

OldSwabbie

[oldswabbie]

BigV ~ That was GOOD! I can picture that NOOB running his A** off for hours!

[oldswabbie]

Ill have to ask Jason for clarification... (my wife oldest son) he was on the USS Leyte Gulf.. they got a NOOB one day when they were doing replenishment, refueling. Jason had this kid run up to the bridge to the CO to get the "Gas Card" so they could refuel. Jason said the XO who was standing behind him said "That was WRONG at so many levels - but funny as S***". He said everyone looked up by the time the kid got up the ladder and the CO was laughing his butt off.

Got to love screwing with NOOBS ~ Unless youre the NOOB

OldSwabbie

[donnyboy311]

Another FNG trick on every Aircraft carrier I've ever been on, That "everyone" used to play, was to send the new A/C guy's (gal's too) to the "Flight Simulator" on deck such and such, of course every space they came to would just continue the show by sending them to the "revamped FS" on a diff deck...always gave me a chuckle :)

[jdoleac]

Oh, the cruelty for those poor newbs. But it makes for a hilarious read. And bigV, that is probably the most elaborate and coordinated attack on someone's psyche I have heard of in a long time. Kudos to you and the crew of both ships. Well done.

[oldswabbie]

The one thing about the Navy is that it WILL make you grow up. I dont care what field you go into, Nuke, NSW, Airdale, DeckApes, Blackshoes... ole Sparkie's (like me) there are practical jokes to be played. It just depends on what job you do as to what extent the joke gets to you or how BAD you get it. It also depends somewhat on how Big & BAD YOU are too ~ nobody wants to piss off a Giant...and if you do... you get whats coming back at ya... Like the 3 guys who messed with Jason in the Hazing incident when he first got to his ship. You dont screw with a 6:4 - 235lb man who's nickname in school was "Neckbreaker"....LOL


OldSwabbie

[donnyboy311]

Amen to that OldSwabbie, and Heaven forbid if they are higher ranked than you come Frocking time, lol

[oldswabbie]

Amen to that OldSwabbie, and Heaven forbid if they are higher ranked than you come Frocking time, lol

Yep. The guys that jumped Jason were ALL higher rank than he was. He was an E3.. they were all E4 and one E5. Between the 3 of them there was something like 70+ stiches... :D Dang toaster does a number on a guy! LOL
They ALL became his friends after that incident!


OldSwabbie

[donnyboy311]

lol,On the ships, it always seems like there are sailors walking around with stitches on interesting locations around their faces and heads....and you just know that most of them are not merely simple mishaps, but rather payback from prior, shall I say, occurrences.....but I have to say I never heard about anyone getting beat down with a toaster! :)

[oldswabbie]

Yea, it was something. Jason laughs about it now, but then it wasnt funny. He had such a worried tone in his voice on the phone when he said "I'm going to Captains Mast"... I was like What the... he had only been on his ship a day or so.. Crazy... just Crazy... But ~ thats the Navy! :D


OldSwabbie

[spollen_usn]

I see this thread hasnt been visited in awhile but i cant let this story pass.

I was in "A" school in Pensacola, FL. We were a mixed class meaning we had marines in with us. One of the marins was getting married on a weekend well into school and conviently he was from Orlando. Now, you should know this trip shouldnt take more than 7 hours. So the class sees this as a good idea to take a little road trip and get away from Pensacola for awhile.
Some of you may not be familure with rules in A school so I will let you know. There are different "levels" of liberty you are granted, acording to how long you have been there and if you have gotten in trouble recently. Of course we were in the level that didnt permitt you to leave base in civilian clothes and had a curfew. (Neither of which we followed!)
So my buddy,umm lets call him Tim, decides to let me drive his car. He droped out of Nuke school over half way through, said he didnt like it. So this guy was REALLY smart. Remember Tim, the really smart one.
Anyway I am driving and there are 3 in the car with me. Tim, the smart one/owner of the car, John and Steve. There are 3 vehicles and we dicide it would be a brillant idea to stop for beer so the passengers could drink on the trip. So we did. I seriously cannot explain why, I have tried to figure this out, but I swear to you we were never driving under 80 miles an hour, and the Fing trip took us 16 hours. A 7 hour trip driving 80+ mph and it took us 16 hours. I don't know. Anyway -
Steve in the back decides he has to pee. And because he is NOT the smart one he gets naked and starts to roll his window down. Instead of asking one of 100 available empty bottles lying around he decides to "STAND" out of the window and starts to pee on a busy highway traveling 90+ mph. Apparently peeing in a car full of drunks is like yawning. Now the owner, Tim the smart one, feels the need to urinate. Because he is smart he asks for a bottle. I hand him my empty gatorade bottle so he can put a lid on it, unlike a beer bottle. I hear the peeing start, i smell the pee, and then I "feel" the pee. This duece bag forgot to take the lid off of the gatorade bottle and is peeing all over everyone, in his own car. I cant believe this is happening I am trying to keep up with the speed demons and im getting peed on. I turn around 5 minutes later to as what the *** happened and they are passed out on the back seat. One dude naked, one dude clothed and both coverd in urin.
Just to put some light to this, It was my first time really getting out in the military and experienceing. The start of my naval career, I thought to myself if this is how the rest of my career works, I will never be bored.

[fy0834]

A friend of mine was Marine Force recon in the Viet Nam war. He tells the story of being dropped off on an island by a sub. The sub Captain approaches the island and summons the Marines to get ready to disembark and to proceed below and to the front of the vessell. The Marines question why the lower and front of the vessell (thinking they will exit onto a smaller boat to gain access to the island). The Captain instructs them to crawl into the empty torpedo tubes all the way to the front and for sure brace themselves with their legs and arms when they hear the torpedo doors begin to open. My friend said they all stared in disbelief at the Captian during the exchange of many expletives. But, sure enough, once the water equalized in the chambers and the doors opened they swam out and safely to shore. Probably couldnt do that today!

[oldswabbie]

I see this thread hasnt been visited in awhile but i cant let this story pass.

Between Mr. Parkers Poop Stories, Your Pee Stories, My Blue Flame lighting Farts on Fire stories.. i think we have Got 'em all covered now. Wait.. Boogers... No one has a good Booger Story. I'm a big scared to ask..


OldSwabbie

[jumpingbum]

In other words it's a lot of bathroom humor?

[oldswabbie]

Well, sad part is ~ most of it didnt happen in the bathroom! I watched Blue Flame leap out of a Sailors butt on a Liberty Bus retuning to Base one night....you never know where you'll see this stuff!

OldSwabbie