New Baby...

[redwifey13]

So this is somewhat off-topic I guess but I wasn't sure where else to post. My hubby is due to start pre-BUD/S in August for up to 2 months. I am currently pregnant with our first child due around end Sept/Oct so we do not know if he will be able to make it or not to the birth. This will be heartbreaking for me, but I have learned to accept it.
The issue I am having is that he doesn't seem that interested in the pregnancy or the baby in general and it is starting to worry me. He always talked about how he couldn't wait until we were pregnant and now that it is here, he's not so excited. I know he is really busy at work, and obviously has a lot on his mind being that he is training for BUD/S and pre-BUD/S. This is his life-long dream and I would never that excitement away from him, but it is literally all he thinks/talks/does.
Money is tight since I cannot work. He wants to buy all this gear and fitness equipment (a bike/dive gear etc) to help him train when we are in the middle of trying to buy a house, reduce all of his old debt, save for a baby, recover from our wedding, and eventually start buying baby items and begin our first home together. I know he needs most, if not all, of this equipment to better his training in the next few months before he leaves and if I question all the money being used (that we don't really have and I that would like to use for the baby), he gets defensive and says I don't support him in his endeavors.
I support him no matter what and I am truly excited to see him succeed in this but I am finding it hard knowing that I am going to be completely alone to birth our first child and also to raise him/her for the first year, and he doesn't seem to be bothered by it at all. He doesn't seem to care about anything else except training and SEAL/S, which seem to be more important, is that right? Is that how it will always be? I know that right now is critical for him to be training and it absolutely should be more important than most other things, but more important than your first born child?
I am not saying I can't handle being alone whilst he is away, that his training and career are not important or that I can't take care of the baby by myself, I am worried that he doesn't have any interest in this pregnancy or his child at all and he's not going to because it he is far to busy with his much more important training/ BUD/S /SEALS.
This pregnancy happened at an unplanned interval in our life so I know it is awkward and hard for both of us, but I was just hoping for a little more excitement and desire to be there for me and him/her.
Any advice from anyone? I feel lonely.

[Courtenay]

Hmmmm...

Okay, well, let me start with, congratulations on the baby, and the new marriage! I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Secondly, believe it or not, a LOT of guys aren't particularly interested in pregnancies, or even new babies. I honestly think it may be something in the hard-wiring. Sure, some are, but the fact he isn't, really doesn't mean much in the bigger scheme of what kind of dad he'll be down the line. Men and women in general are just different where the baby stuff is concerned, I wouldn't let it worry you too much. I can guarantee you are not the first, or the last woman ever to feel the way you do right now.

My question to is, are you trying to do too much all at once? Newly married, baby on the way, husband getting ready to try for BUD/s, and trying to buy a house? WOW. It's a lot. No wonder you guys are snipping at each other!

Does a house HAVE to be bought RIGHT NOW? You aren't working. He's got a lot on his plate. Can you let that one go for a bit? Money is tight? Why a house right now? I have bought houses, and owned houses. It is a huge financial committment, even when money isn't tight.

As for all of the stuff he is buying. I am not the authority on that one. But, my son is a SEAL. He bought some boots and some cammies to run in when he was preparing for BUD/s, and nothing more. So, in his case all that other stuff was entirely not needed. Does your husband NEED the stuff, or is he just overly excited and wants to buy a bunch of stuff related to pursuing his dream? Can you guys talk it over? Prioritize? Maybe he is having a whole set of issues upsetting him too. If you are upset and unhappy I can guarantee he probably is too. It seems to me you feel like all he cares about is becoming a SEAL, and he feels all you care about is the domestic stuff and not his future. In reality you are both fighting to make the other care about something that I am sure you already do care about. You care about his dream, he cares about his family. Remind yourselves and each other of those things.

And yes, being a SEAL will ALWAYs seem like it comes first. My son missed his daughter's first birthday, almost missed her birth. (deployed just weeks later). His wife is pregnant again with their 2nd, and he has maybe spent a total of a month at home this year. Seriously. And that isn't in deployment time. It's doing other work related things. Guys who are serious about their careers as SEALs do spend a lot of time away. My son's wife is a strong, confident woman who wouldn't have it any other way. But, my son also understands his committment to taking care of his family. It has to be a two way street.

It will all work itself out, I am sure. But, you have to work at it too. Both of you!

[sealwife256]

Hi Girl!

I sent you an e-mail, thought it would be better to say some stuff privately, everything will work out :)

[redwifey13]

Thank you so much for your reply.

If he really is one of those guys who just aren't really that interested in a new baby etc. what kind of father will he be? Or husband for that matter?

I agree we are doing too much right now but unfortunately it is all necessary. We have to move before he leaves in August (and before the baby is born) and would rather move into a house than another rental since it is our same price range at this point. We also have to buy a new car by then (I know keep adding to the list) because we have a beat up truck and our car got stolen.

He has been training on and off since I have known him (2+ years) so I am used to that but we are getting closer to the day he leaves so he needs/wants to step it up. We have bought him a lot for training so far. Clothing, books, boots, diving equipment (which we are still paying for), diving classes, running shoes, and more.

Now he desperately wants a bike so he can bike to Coronado, swim across (??) and then run on the Silver Strand/use the O-Course where all the BUD/S guys train. I protested at first saying we can't afford it and he got defensive saying I don't support him and I don't really want him to be a SEAL. So I compromised and either he gets one for his birthday (from his parents) or he gets a $50 thing to last him till Aug. Is this too much? Maybe I should post in the current SEALS forum and see what they think?

I absolutely agree with you that we are both fighting to make the other care more about what our current interests/priorities are. I DO support him and want him to succeed and you are right he is interested in his family and he does care and love, would do anything for me. If we are still fighting to make the other know that then what are we doing wrong? How can I make him realize I do want him to do this? How can I help him and be involved like he wants without smothering him? What about him, how can he show me better that he does care about his family?

Sorry, LOL, I know you are not a shrink!! This has been on my chest for a while and it feels good to talk about it.
Thank you so much!!

[oldswabbie]

Thank you so much for your reply.

If he really is one of those guys who just aren't really that interested in a new baby etc. what kind of father will he be? Or husband for that matter?



The OldSwabbie is gonna sneak in and get right back out and let you ladies talk. My son in law didnt seem that enthused at first when he found out he was going to be a daddy. But after the baby was born and he got back from deployment ~ he became a good daddy. I think some of it could be they are at first floating down that river on a barge... you know.. the River of Denial...:)

He will be fine, just wanted to throw that in there now I'm outa here...



OldSwabbie

[sniperp]

Thank you so much for your reply.
Now he desperately wants a bike so he can bike to Coronado, swim across (??) and then run on the Silver Strand/use the O-Course where all the BUD/S guys train.


only thing im going to throw in is if he does somethign like this make sure he has talked to the abse before doing something like this. With Setting up and standing watches on a ECP if i were to see someone swimming at a base,or in my case a ship, by himself i would call an alert and have guns pointing at the swimmer ready to shoot if the swimmer didn't stop or turn around. So make sure he has relayed his intentions to the base and has gotten approval before trying anything like this.

[Courtenay]

Is he in the military yet? Where is it he is leaving for in August? Boot camp? Deployment?

[redwifey13]

oldswabbie...thank you for that. It is good to hear a guy's point of view! I think he is still in the 'denial' stage, which I was told can last up until 6 months after the baby is born. I will be patient and let him figure things out.

sniperp...Thanks. That's the same thing I told him..sorta. I told him to make sure he finds out if he is even allowed to swim through there with all the ships, boats and military hanging out it might now be ok.

Court...he's been in the Navy for over 5 years. He's leaving for pre-BUD/S in Chicago in August. Not a deployment, it would be TAD I guess.

[sealmama]

Hi, and congratulations on your pregnancy! This is my first post here. I only know a handful of military wives, but a common thread I have noticed is that they learn (or are just forced out of necessity) to "hold down the fort" on their own because their husbands simply aren't able to. Years ago my cousin was home with 3 children under 5 and her Air Force husband was deployed (when he wasn't off for months at a time for training...). She made good friends with other Air Force wives and they developed an incredible support system. Little by little I assume you will grow accustomed to having to do things alone, too.

It's such an exciting time in your life, preparing for a new baby. But that can be done very cheaply, even for free! Are you open to not having brand new things? We have five children and I have always found people are so happy to pass on their old (hardly used, sometimes!) baby things that are in perfectly good condition. I have found beautiful baby things at yard sales for 50 cents. This may be a season in your life where you can support your husband by learning a few thrifty tricks. Not everyone is open to cloth diapering, but they can save loads of money, especially if you ask for them as a baby gift. My favorite ones are sold here:

http://www.greenmountaindiapers.com/diapers.htm

They told my son in BUD/S Prep to have about $1,000 saved up for when they got to BUD/S to buy equipment, so your husband should be prepared for that.

I wish you and your husband the BEST!

[Courtenay]

Welcome sealmama....from another "sealmama"!

What great suggestions! Babies are out of clothes so fast, using hand-me-downs or thrift shop and garage sale finds are definitely the way to go if you are on a budget!

I find it interesting that the guys are being asked to save money to buy stuff. Have things changed that much in 5 years? My son did not buy anything really. They issue so much gear....seriously, it's incredible!

[oldswabbie]

Hi, and congratulations on your pregnancy! This is my first post here.

I Second Courtenay's Welcome aboard SEALMAMA. Glad you could join the forum. If we can be of any help dont hesitate to ask.


OldSwabbie

[sealwife256]

I find it interesting that the guys are being asked to save money to buy stuff. Have things changed that much in 5 years? My son did not buy anything really. They issue so much gear....seriously, it's incredible!

My husband didn't have to buy anything either. He ran in his boots to train and swam in pools... lol

[Courtenay]

My husband didn't have to buy anything either. He ran in his boots to train and swam in pools... lol

EXACTLY!

Did you and my DIL touch-base yet about the housing?

[soccermom]

I absolutely agree with you that we are both fighting to make the other care more about what our current interests/priorities are. I DO support him and want him to succeed and you are right he is interested in his family and he does care and love, would do anything for me. If we are still fighting to make the other know that then what are we doing wrong? How can I make him realize I do want him to do this? How can I help him and be involved like he wants without smothering him? What about him, how can he show me better that he does care about his family?

You've received some great advice from Courtenay & sealmama (& I'm sure SEALwife) that I want to second. I agree with all that they've said, I just thought I'd add my ancient (my husband's been an AD SEAL longer than you've been alive :) SEAL wife perspective to it.

You mention that becoming a SEAL is a life-long dream of his that you support and that he's been training for the last couple of years. I hate to seem harsh but with the conflict that you've described above his already slim chances of making it through BUD/s have sunk to nearly non-existent. He may realize that the cards are now stacked against him and that could explain his frustration. If you are serious about supporting him in becoming a SEAL it's going to require some significant sacrifices from you. If you're up for that then here's my advice;

Plan on him being gone for the birth. It's always easier to adjust to the change of him being there than the other way around. My experience is that everything is longer than what they think (are willing to admit?). It's a bummer but not the end of the world. My husband was gone for one birth and nearly missed all of the others. Focus on the positive. (For instance, you don't have to scramble to find babysitters for when you go into labor in the middle of the night.) If you have no support system, you should find one. Join a church, find other young moms, look for a military spouse support group. Avoid people who feel sorry for you, they don't help.

Think of this as an opportunity to become more independent. It can be empowering to be in your early to mid twenties and realize that you are quite capable of handling whatever comes up. Imagine yourself next year at this time with an adorable baby and your husband in SQT. You can adjust your schedule to his to give him time to bond with the baby and set your own schedule the rest of the time. If you've handled everything that's been thrown your way up to that point, you'll have already accomplished a lot.

The financial issue is one that would be good to address now because it's not likely to go away. I suspect that the sales people at REI have figured out the SEAL Team deployment rotation schedule due to the buying frenzy that goes on before every deployment.

Instead of both fighting about who has the more important life-changing interests or priorities, be glad that you both have passions right now. Just because he's preoccupied with everything BUD/s right now doesn't mean he'll be an uninterested Dad, any more than your preoccupation with everything baby means that you don't support him in his quest to be a SEAL. If you guys work together (or at least alongside) rather than against each other, it can all work out.

[sealwife256]

EXACTLY!

Did you and my DIL touch-base yet about the housing?

Could you e-mail me her e-mail address? I would hate to leave a message on her phone not really knowing her and her not knowing my crazy situation with housing... it would be nice to write it out. Let me know, thanks Courtenay!

Goompty@aol.com

[sealwife256]

-Plan on him being gone for the birth.

-Think of this as an opportunity to become more independent.

-The financial issue is one that would be good to address now because it's not likely to go away. I suspect that the sales people at REI have figured out the SEAL Team deployment rotation schedule due to the buying frenzy that goes on before every deployment.

-Instead of both fighting about who has the more important life-changing interests or priorities, be glad that you both have passions right now.

GREAT ADVICE! I had to quote the part though about REI, that was just funny and boy do I know it :)

Planning on him not being there for the birth is good to do. I planned on my husband not being at the birth of our daughter, my MIL took the birth classes with me, and I figured it was just going to be her and I when my daughter was born. It was such a bonus when my husband made it home the night before (I was 2 weeks early, and if she was born on her due date he would've missed it).

Also, being independent is the best thing you can do as a SEAL wife. I remember looking on this forum when my then boyfriend started BUD/s and reading about being a SEAL wife, I think it was Frogwife that said how independence is key. I liked to say that I've owned that word for the past two years and it feels great. I've accomplished things I never thought I could do on my own that once scared me. It's wonderful, and it helps pass the time!

Being excited about what each others interests are is wonderful, and is very healthy in a marriage I think. A couple that had been married for 40 years once told me the reason they get along so well is because they both watch what they want on TV each night in separate rooms in the house because they respect and understand that they like different things, I though that was cute. :) It's so true! I love my husband, but I'm never going to be into everything he is, he supports me and I support him.

[Courtenay]

Could you e-mail me her e-mail address? I would hate to leave a message on her phone not really knowing her and her not knowing my crazy situation with housing... it would be nice to write it out. Let me know, thanks Courtenay!

Goompty@aol.com

I will....but I am not sure about her email access nowadays! With baby #2 on the way, and a husband who is NEVER home, she has stopped working. I don't think she is much of a computer person outside of work!

[jumpingbum]

The financial issue is one that would be good to address now because it's not likely to go away. I suspect that the sales people at REI have figured out the SEAL Team deployment rotation schedule due to the buying frenzy that goes on before every deployment.


Ain't it the truth! The SF guys do the same thing. As far as training PRE-BUD/S? Maybe you should both talk to a SEAL motivator and find out what the deal is - they should know, it's their job... However, it sounds like your husband is just like every SF guy I've ever met "gotta have the gear." $1000 sounds about right to me. Sigh. Finances!

As far as buying a house goes? Actually? You're SAVING money. Here in the Springs it sometimes costs LESS to buy than to rent AND for the first MONTH? You pay nothing because the paper work is going through. Besides, all that money comes back to you eventually because you sell what you buy. However, Courtenay is right about two things: it is a commitment and it does sound like you're trying to do a lot of things at once.

If nothing else? You two need to sit down and write out a budget or he'll go overboard and you won't be able to pay rent (or mortgage), utilities, groceries, gasoline...
I ended up having to slap my husband's hand and get my own bank account so I could squirrel away money for the end of the month...

Take care!

[swcc-wife]

I just wanted to add a little tid-bit about the house buying.

Please be aware of the market that we are in right now. While it may be easy to buy a house, if you are stationed elsewhere after (if) he completes training, selling the house will be a new ballgame altogether. Houses can sit on the market unsold for many many months. And, being that you won't have had that much time living in the house, you may actually lose money if you have to sell it.

So, my advice, for whatever it's worth, would be to wait on the house buying until you are at your permanent duty station. It may seem like a waste of money to rent right now, but you may save yourself from months of stress in the long run.

[sealwife256]

I just wanted to add a little tid-bit about the house buying.

Please be aware of the market that we are in right now. While it may be easy to buy a house, if you are stationed elsewhere after (if) he completes training, selling the house will be a new ballgame altogether. Houses can sit on the market unsold for many many months. And, being that you won't have had that much time living in the house, you may actually lose money if you have to sell it.

So, my advice, for whatever it's worth, would be to wait on the house buying until you are at your permanent duty station. It may seem like a waste of money to rent right now, but you may save yourself from months of stress in the long run.

I completely agree... it is hard not knowing the future, and throwing your money away on rent isn't fun (I know, I'm in the same boat), but with this market, you don't want to be stuck trying to sell while your man has already left.

[lady67]

I can undarstand the situation, and i do belive it isnt easy. But i would like to ask you something. Did you knew your husband´s dreams before weding? Becouse living someone dreams, could be a bit difficult in a real world. And maybe you should let him to achive his dreams before
marriage. And see how your life would look like, and then decide to get marry and have a baby. Becouse for such an advanture, like getting married with furture seal or someone who already is, a woman should be well prepared, and be very strong. And of course ready for everything.

Wish you good luck. And please, sty strong!!

[Courtenay]

I completely agree... it is hard not knowing the future, and throwing your money away on rent isn't fun (I know, I'm in the same boat), but with this market, you don't want to be stuck trying to sell while your man has already left.

You guys make a very valid point.

I happen to be a big fan of Suze Orman. I think she is extremely realistic about money and money management from a "real" person's standpoint. You know, your average person who is basically living paycheck to paycheck and hoping to save a bit etc. Anyway, here is a great article on home ownership vs. renting. I own a home. And, I am glad I do. But, in a situation such as redwifey described, I personally would not be buying. (Of course, I do not know all of her story)

For anyone who can use this info....here it is!
http://biz.yahoo.com/pfg/e10buyrent/

[sealmama]

Thank you for the "welcome".

I checked with another SEAL mom whose son is in Class 271 why they should have so much money saved up and what it went for. She said a lot of stuff is issued, but not everything. I know my son had to buy a $65 backpack for BUD/S Prep. Her son wishes he had been told to save up more before starting as he is constantly needing to buy things. Boots wear out from the sand and need to be replaced, also belt buckles and T-shirts need to be replaced weekly to pass inspection because the sand ruins them, too. Many of the guys eat out a lot instead of running the 2 or so miles to eat at the galley, and sometimes they get done for the day after the galley is closed.

The mention of Suze Orman reminded me of two of my favorite books (my library has these, so try there before buying, and if you do buy check for used ones on Amazon or something), The Complete Tightwad Gazette (or volumes I, II, and III separately) and Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. He recommends "baby steps" to get out of debt that really keep you motivated. You take all the money you can spare per month and put it towards your smallest debt, and keep hammering away until it's paid off, while making the minimum monthly payments on the rest. Once that debt is gone, take the money you were putting towards it and add it to the minimum monthly payment on your second smallest debt, and so on. Each time something is paid off, take what you were paying and use it towards eliminating the next one (he calls it "snowballing"). He has an informative website (daveramsey.com) and a call-in radio show (you can also listen on-line).

Also Craigslist.com is a great local resource for finding all kinds of baby things.

Hope some of that was helpful!

[sealwife256]

Also Craigslist.com is a great local resource for finding all kinds of baby things.

Craigslist is great. I found my rocking chair there when my daughter was born. Some areas have better items, I just checked on my local craigslist for baby stuff and there were hundreds of items!

[Courtenay]

You know, when my son went through, and probably sealwife's husband as well, there was no "BUD/s prep" at GL. My son was stuck out there for about 2 months waiting to class-up for BUD/s. At that time they were called SCRUFT (I think I got the acronym right). They helped out in the Dive Motivator's office, and did their own version of BUD/s prep. My son spent ungodly amounts of money on eating out and hanging out, but never bought any BUD/s related stuff. Housing was free, so he was spending every dime of his pay having fun. During BUD/s he spent most of his time with me, or at his girlfriend's house. I remember all of his money going to partying like a rockstar on the weekends. The only thing I remember his actually buying which was BUD/s related was the paint for his helmets going into Phase I. (he painted them at my house, I couldn't get the green paint out of the concrete before I moved!) Oh, and he bought a new dress uniform and shoes for the BUD/s graduation. Everything else, the Navy provided. Guess things have changed a bunch in 5 years!

[redwifey13]

Thanks to everyone for responding!

HOUSING: I understand what everyone is saying when it comes to the housing issue. I agree, my husband does not! lol. I feel it is his way of making sure everything (and everyone) is taken care of before he leaves in August. Once he returns from pre-BUD/S, he will go directly to Coronado to actual BUD/S and so will be training for up to a year, if he makes it the whole way. So, will not be available to move us anywhere. His ideas are that he does not want to waste money on rent when the same amount could be going to a mortgage every month. Also, we have a 'gift' from his father as a housewarming and welcoming of the baby to go towards a down payment. We move A LOT and finally would like to settle down and stay in one place for a while, if we move to rent another place now, we will be buying in a year or so anyway so why not now? I agree with what everyone is saying and I am already getting discouraged by the market and our offers so far.

LADY67: I was aware of his dreams before we wed and our plan was to wait until after BUD/S however life never goes as planned :-) I will not go into everything here, or now, but basically we had to fast forward our plans to April of this year due to numerous unexpected circumstances. And so, here we are.

SOCCERMOM: As I stated in my original post, I have accepted that he will most likely not make it for the birth, it will suck, but I will deal with it fine. I do not have a support system yet, I am aware I need to get one. None of our families live here and I know far too much about DH's coworkers to be friends with their wives! I am working on trying to find a meetup group or such, and have already planned to meet another mother off navyseals.com :-)
I am not sure I understand why you say he had a slim chance at SEALS before and now it is none existent? Because of me? Please can you clarify.

[autumn]

redwifey..

Think of like this:

What if you CAN'T sell your house by the time he finishes BUD/s and SQT? I'm completely serious. I have a few friends who have had their houses on the market for a year or more and these are not $200K+ houses either. We have just put our house on the market even though we will not be moving until next year. I'm telling you, you guys are playing with fire trying to get a house right now. I wouldn't look at renting as blowing money for the time being. Wait until you get your duty station and then buy your house. You have to think about the upkeep on a home, repairs, etc. as well. I know for me nothing seems to break down unless my husband is gone. AC unit broke in the dead of summer, garbage disposal broke leaving my sink clogged, lawnmower got screwed..Im sure I could think of other things. Oh, I didnt mention 2 little kids. It can be very stressful. At least when you rent you have other people to take care of most of those things. I know you probably dont want to hear all that, but seriously think about it. If it is your husband that wants to put you guys in a house bc he wants to "care" for you, then you should remind him of all of the work and stress that can come with owning and then trying to sell a home. Remember, you will be doing all of this by yourself with your daughter.

Your husband sounds like a typical male. My husband couldnt give 2 ****s about my pregnancies as long as everything was normal and he's an awesome daddy!! Most guys just arent interested until they see their baby's face. Its that simple. Dont try to over analyze him. It's a bad habit that some of us women have.

He probably is getting excited and buying too much crap..thats what guys do. You have to remind him that you support him and you love him, but you just cant afford it. That simple. As long as you act and truly show that you support him and his career, then he cant lay a guilt trip on you when he wants to buy a new man toy.

The military lifestyle can be a good experience or it can be bad...believe me. If you start it out with a lot of baggage, I can guarantee you.. neither of you will have a good experience.

My advice... both of you should take it easy. Have fun with it. Its an adventure. Sure some things are gonna suck.. but thats life. Dont make it harder than it needs to be. Oh, and DONT BUY A HOUSE. And if you do buy a house, I want you to come back to this thread when he's out of SQT and tell us how right on we were. ;)

[swcc-wife]

We move A LOT and finally would like to settle down and stay in one place for a while, if we move to rent another place now, we will be buying in a year or so anyway so why not now? I agree with what everyone is saying and I am already getting discouraged by the market and our offers so far.
The reason that you should not buy right now is there is no guarantee that he will be stationed in the area that you live in now. He can be sent to the East Coast.
Why don't you consider this. You may have help as far as a down payment to buy your house, which is awesome, but what about when you go to sell it? Here are a few numbers-
You purchase your house for, say, $300,000, and you had a $30,000 down payment, making your mortgage amount $270,000. You go to sell your house in 18 months, but you can only sell it for $310,000 (you had it on the market for $340k, but buyers are now advised to offer at least 10% less than the asking price). You will have to pay $18,600 in realtor fees, plus $2k-$4k in other fees associated with selling (tax, filing fees, title comp. fees, etc.). You will walk away from that sale with $19,400-$17,400. You lost over $10,000.
Present it to your husband that way. Maybe he will realize buying a house isn't all butterflies and rainbows. Especially when it comes time to sell.

Oh, and DONT BUY A HOUSE. And if you do buy a house, I want you to come back to this thread when he's out of SQT and tell us how right on we were. ;)
I surely hope that we are wrong, not only for her sanity, but for the sake of her relationship.

[sealwife256]

redwifey..
Your husband sounds like a typical male. My husband couldnt give 2 ****s about my pregnancies as long as everything was normal and he's an awesome daddy!! Most guys just arent interested until they see their baby's face. Its that simple. Dont try to over analyze him. It's a bad habit that some of us women have.

He probably is getting excited and buying too much crap..thats what guys do. You have to remind him that you support him and you love him, but you just cant afford it. That simple. As long as you act and truly show that you support him and his career, then he cant lay a guilt trip on you when he wants to buy a new man toy.

My advice... both of you should take it easy. Have fun with it. Its an adventure. Sure some things are gonna suck.. but thats life. Dont make it harder than it needs to be. Oh, and DONT BUY A HOUSE. And if you do buy a house, I want you to come back to this thread when he's out of SQT and tell us how right on we were. ;)

A lot of your advice just made me laugh because it's so true :) Seriously though, having fun with it in the beginning is so great and important. Though BUD/S and SQT were some of our hardest times being together they were some of our best times. We hardly saw each other and everything was so up in the air fly by the sat of your pants that it was like a honeymoon each time we got together. When life is hard you sure do appreciate the small things you have and learn real quickly how even that can be taken away.

[jumpingbum]

I just wanted to add a little tid-bit about the house buying.

Please be aware of the market that we are in right now. While it may be easy to buy a house, if you are stationed elsewhere after (if) he completes training, selling the house will be a new ballgame altogether. Houses can sit on the market unsold for many many months. And, being that you won't have had that much time living in the house, you may actually lose money if you have to sell it.

So, my advice, for whatever it's worth, would be to wait on the house buying until you are at your permanent duty station. It may seem like a waste of money to rent right now, but you may save yourself from months of stress in the long run.

:) Thank you for adding that. I forgot about that aspect. Here at Carson we are getting bunches and bunches of troops in the next few years so the market is less cold than in the rest of the country.

[redwifey13]

Ok, so the whole permanent duty station thing..I spoke to DH about it and he assures me he will not be stationed anywhere except West Coast, San Diego. He is on a west coast billet and will not be sent to the East Coast. The only possibility is for him to be stationed overseas in which case he would have a GO pay to compensate for his mortgage back home. Obviously, this is never guaranteed, but something to consider.
I think I am going to wait out another month and see if any other places come up. We're not having much luck with any right now because inventory is really low and nothing new is coming in. If nothing in another month, we will have to rent anyway because we will run out of time. Thanks to everyone for the advice!

[Courtenay]

Coast is never "guaranteed" but they do try their best to assign the guys to the coast they request.

Inventory "low" in San Diego????? That is where you are looking right? There is no shortage whatsoever of real estate in San Diego, this I KNOW.

[redwifey13]

Yes we are in San Diego. Not so much it is low but there is nothing new coming in. And we have a pretty low price range.

[swcc-wife]

Ok, so the whole permanent duty station thing..I spoke to DH about it and he assures me he will not be stationed anywhere except West Coast, San Diego. He is on a west coast billet and will not be sent to the East Coast. The only possibility is for him to be stationed overseas in which case he would have a GO pay to compensate for his mortgage back home. Obviously, this is never guaranteed, but something to consider.

First of all, I just want to assure you that I am only trying to help. I've been playing the Navy game for 101 months... and counting. My husband was "assured" we would stay in Cali- needless to say we did not. My husband HAS missed the birth of my child and the first six months that followed. I HAVE bought a house that I must maintain without hubby's help. I've had my A/C break, my fridge break, my tv break, my toilet break... all while he was away- and that's just in the last year. I've been there. Actually, I AM there. So, again, I'm only trying to help.

Secondly, your husband can not "assure" you of anything until he has orders written. And orders aren't written until they are close to completing training. He is making you a promise that, frankly, he may not be able to keep.

Third, you mentioned "GO" pay as a compensation for him being stationed overseas. There is no such thing. Now, he may have been talking about being a "GB" or "Geographical Bachelor". But, still, there is no extra compensation for doing that.

I'm not trying to discourage you from doing what it is you feel is right for you. My only intention is to attempt to inform you of what reality can be. In all honesty, I WANT everything to work out perfectly for you. With a new baby on the way and a husband trying to be a SEAL, you don't need any unnecessary stress! :)

[lisalynne10]

I HAVE bought a house that I must maintain without hubby's help. I've had my A/C break, my fridge break, my tv break, my toilet break... all while he was away- and that's just in the last year.



My, my! This sounds so much like my sister's story just a few short months ago! And now that her frog's been home he told her that instead of them hiring a pool guy that he'll take care of the pool all by himself! Weeeellllll.....sister has been doing all that instead of the frog cuz he's been doing a work-up. So, I told her that she and the pool boy should just have an "affair." She calls the pool boy on the sly, he comes over takes care of the pool, she pays cash, no body is the wiser!! :p LOL.

[sealwife256]

My, my! This sounds so much like my sister's story just a few short months ago! And now that her frog's been home he told her that instead of them hiring a pool guy that he'll take care of the pool all by himself! Weeeellllll.....sister has been doing all that instead of the frog cuz he's been doing a work-up. So, I told her that she and the pool boy should just have an "affair." She calls the pool boy on the sly, he comes over takes care of the pool, she pays cash, no body is the wiser!! :p LOL.

I love that! I need to have an "affair" with a painter then as well :)

[jumpingbum]

. I HAVE bought a house that I must maintain without hubby's help. I've had my A/C break, my fridge break, my tv break, my toilet break... all while he was away- and that's just in the last year. I've been there. Actually, I AM there. So, again, I'm only trying to help.

My mortgage company offered me something that just might help you. For $35 a month all of my appliances are covered, no matter when they were purchased = repairs are covered and there is a discount if I have to buy a new one. My mortgage company is citimortgage. I don't know if other companies do this...

[swcc-wife]

My mortgage company offered me something that just might help you. For $35 a month all of my appliances are covered, no matter when they were purchased = repairs are covered and there is a discount if I have to buy a new one. My mortgage company is citimortgage. I don't know if other companies do this...


Well, the fridge and the tv were covered under warranty, and I was able to fix the toilet myself. The A/C was the only "financial" headache because it had to be replaced. But, it was way too small for my house to begin with and we planned on replacing it next summer anyways.

And, just as an update, I had to call an electrician today. Found out that my house was struck by lightening.

Ahh, the joys of homeownership! :p

[jumpingbum]

Maybe God is stretching you? I changed my oil last week and found out I have to replace a strut and a half shaft. It is a 1989 Honda, so it has more than done its duty...

[swcc-wife]

Maybe God is stretching you?

HA!!

I've been stretched so much my last name should be ARMSTRONG!! :eek:

[jumpingbum]

HA!!

I've been stretched so much my last name should be ARMSTRONG!! :eek:

I don't doubt the stretching part, and you're in my prayers, but I don't completely follow. Do you mean Lance Armstrong?

[autumn]

I don't doubt the stretching part, and you're in my prayers, but I don't completely follow. Do you mean Lance Armstrong?

lol. I think she meant Stretch Armstrong. You remember those dolls don't you? You could pull their arms and legs until they were all stretched out. I get that from my boys everyday. :)

[swcc-wife]

I think she meant Stretch Armstrong.

BINGO!! :D

[jumpingbum]

Nope. Don't remember Stretch Armstrong. :o I DO remember Gumby. The SF guys say "Semper Gumby." Or at least my husband did...

[swcc-wife]

"Semper Gumby."

Haha!

Semper Gumby = Always Flexible

I live by that motto :)

[1NVYMOM]

The only thing I remember his actually buying which was BUD/s related was the paint for his helmets going into Phase I. (he painted them at my house, I couldn't get the green paint out of the concrete before I moved!) Oh, and he bought a new dress uniform and shoes for the BUD/s graduation. Everything else, the Navy provided. Guess things have changed a bunch in 5 years!

Thought I'd add my two-cents. My son has been a SEAL for about 2 years now and I remember him calling to tell us about all the cool "toys" he was issued. He also ended up sending a lot of stuff back home from BUD/s because he learned that the less he had in the room, the less there was to be out of place for inspection.......... I do recall him constantly painting his helmet. I think he ended up sending his stuff out to be cleaned/ironed to save him time. (Another thing they did was to trade-off ironing/polishing - he happened to be good at ironing but not so great at polishing.) I know he always kept one t-shirt etc. that was just for "show" on top for inspections.