Just what the hell was I thinking this time about a year ago ..?

Chalk it up to bravado, machismo [well- convoluted at best] or maybe just a kowtowing "yes dear" to the woman who bore my children through 2 C-sections into this world.

In either instance I wasn't getting out of this [or- let's just say I'd never be getting "into it" either...] and the inevitable thought comes to a couple's plans to "neuter the dog" in an effort to stave off the causes of child creation.

To start this off, let's just cut to the quick and understand right here that the recent navy promotional materials quoting "If someone were to write a story about your life- would anyone read it?" didn't take into account it'd have to be done by Woody Allen.

Some day I'll write it all down and there won't be a living soul who doesn't find it some laughable page turner expressing how "it's the best comedy they've ever read- too bad it's fiction and couldn't possibly happen to a real person!"

Long story into an epic- let's just go with the headline of my little blog entry and list those most important facts you as The American Male need to know- the Warning Signs if you will- when you should bail out of that burning tailspin we all call "The Vasectomy Gone Bad"...

1] If you have to travel more than an hour from your home to "the doc's" office [not hospital- OFFICE]... Don't go.

2] 2 words. Dueling Banjos.

If you get even the most remote feeling that you're about to become the equivalent of a "Ned Beatty Werewolf Snack"- 'listen for the banjos...'

3] If Heir Doc uses grass skirts and wooden voodoo masks as part of his waiting room decor... Don't go.

4] If Heir Doc has Goebbles, Himmler or any other such 'odd' nomenclature in his name... Don't Go.

5] I don't care if he's joking- if he mentions using a rusty pocket knife and scotch tape for the procedure... Yeah- you can see where this is going...

6] If you're told that the procedure will only take 20 minutes- expect the "ball numbin's" to wear off in 15... Oh yeah- been there, felt that.

7] If he asks the inane question "Did you not take the Perchocets we prescribed before coming today?" and the only answer you have is "no... Why?"

8] He'll tell you that application of a testicular inoculate will feel like "pressure". He's lying.

That needle is gonna go in the only two spots he didn't "numb lube".

9] If you feel like he's making your sac into a drum- expect to have the lights dim, the room fill with smoke and with a singular spotlight upon your groin, listen for the staccato retorts of a Beatnik solo in the distance.

10] If you've ever harbored the fear of being emasculated- you'll definitely walk [?!] away, no longer worried about this common phobia.

Ghengis Khan will be a pussy compared to you.

11] After the "procedure", the first time you have to go urinate, you will fully expect to see your flaccid 'wang' do nothing and your scrotum to expand like a balloon.

12] If Heir Doc mentions flippantly the human psyche's ability to "forget pain"... No.

No it doesn't.

That's called experience- and if it's intense enough you'll definitely never do a thing ever again.

No, you will not forget that effervescent glow of electrical fear that washes over you at the 15 minute point [rule #5] when you can no longer dangle your feet in somewhat blissful ignorance and instead you can now feel Mr Vas Deferin dancing placatively on the edge of "Ye Ole Scalpel"-

I guarantee it.

13] "Unde now- you may get dressed, go home and let your family wash all manner of affection over you- Zimpathy should be exhuded for 3 dayz."

A little piece of advise..?

My wife barely mentioned only once that she "had her insides on the operating table bringing your children into this world".

"Sympathy" lies within the dictionary between "shnockie"  and syphilis in my house. Though I didn't have to jog home I only got my choice of frozen peas or frozen broccoli spears [the more painful of the two] after I'd rotated the tires on the family bus.

14] Fully understand that I completely know my place in the Rose Manor- the dog lost his balls- mine are just floating free of any responsibility...

15] You WILL wake up that first night and check to see if "you've still got 'em".

16] The family cat will do her damnedest to perch on your now ever expanding "nonconformity".

17] Purple Rain, The Color Purple, The Purple Rose of Cairo [pun fully intended], Purple Haze, The Scarlett Pimpernel [it sounds almost "purpleish"]...

You will never find bruising so expansive, so vivid, or profound as what you'll find in The Wang Zone.

Even my wife bent over in the 'Kicked in the Cod" position and went "DOOOooooH! DEAR LORD!" after seeing me flash a bandy at "the battered boys".

I may have to start a Murphy's Law of Vasectomy...

I continue to be

Russ

MEMBERS COMMENTS VIEWING 1 - 1 OUT OF 1 COMMENTS From: pammy10s 10/09/2007 15:20:42 Hysterical!